I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
