I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
