I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Randomize
