david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
