I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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