Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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