You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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