Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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