I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
