Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
the day after is always just damage control
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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