Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
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