honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
