My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
