He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
