Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
