so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
