My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
