Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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