I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
It was confusing and full of hummus
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I supernannyed him into submission
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
