So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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