and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
