I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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