My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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