Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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