Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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