break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
