I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Randomize
