So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
