I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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