i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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