Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Randomize
