Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
