I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
