So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
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I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
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Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.