This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
