Texts From Last Night

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  (647): View more from Ontario

  It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.

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  (647): It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task. http://tfl.nu/hv7g
  Replies (30) Good night (6265) Bad night (1084)
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  (516): View more from New York

  Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.

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  (516): Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America. http://tfl.nu/zzy7
  Replies (11) Good night (7484) Bad night (641)
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  (206): View more from Washington

  you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."

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  (206): you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing." http://tfl.nu/7ght
  Replies (16) Good night (5831) Bad night (1122)
• Favorite

  (601): View more from Mississippi

  He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.

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  (601): He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal. http://tfl.nu/idbe
  Replies (12) Good night (855) Bad night (3695)
• Favorite

  (314): View more from Missouri

  not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now

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  (314): not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now http://tfl.nu/x7uc
  Replies (10) Good night (2432) Bad night (1130)
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.

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  (770): There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry. http://tfl.nu/klio
  Replies (9) Good night (4054) Bad night (948)
• Favorite

  (937): View more from Ohio

  Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?

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  (937): Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding? http://tfl.nu/i14g
  Replies (16) Good night (1068) Bad night (2637)
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm

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  (603): You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm http://tfl.nu/1h6h
  Replies (2) Good night (3042) Bad night (807)
• Favorite

  (509): View more from Washington

  This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.

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  (509): This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it. http://tfl.nu/jpqq
  Replies (4) Good night (881) Bad night (512)
• Favorite

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  So, were they human bite marks at least?

  (434): View more from Virginia

  Your guess is as good as mine.

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  (617): So, were they human bite marks at least? (434): Your guess is as good as mine. http://tfl.nu/gi39
  Replies (5) Good night (933) Bad night (499)
• Favorite

  (773): View more from Illinois

  I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.

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  (773): I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move. http://tfl.nu/qg2k
  Replies (6) Good night (1014) Bad night (346)
• Favorite

  (517): View more from Michigan

  Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it

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  (517): Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener (508): The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it http://tfl.nu/thh7
  Replies (0) Good night (698) Bad night (345)
• Favorite

  (304): View more from West Virginia

  You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.

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  (304): You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve. http://tfl.nu/0po8
  Replies (1) Good night (439) Bad night (658)
• Favorite

  (216): View more from Ohio

  Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.

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  (216): Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral. http://tfl.nu/blqw
  Replies (0) Good night (404) Bad night (272)
• Favorite

  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.

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  (832): Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed. http://tfl.nu/nzjc
  Replies (4) Good night (355) Bad night (150)

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