My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list