Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.