Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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