I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
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