Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
