You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
