Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Randomize
