If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I cut my penus on the lid.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
