Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Send help, water and tortillas.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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