dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I'm way too hungover for life right now
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
