Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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