I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
