Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
