somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
