We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize
