this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
