drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize