The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Drunk is a universal language darling
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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