i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Why did my mother make you get naked?
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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