census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
My penis needs a shock collar
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Randomize
