how hairy? two words: wookie tits
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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