there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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