I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
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