I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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